Whatever. Ugh such a tool.

"This is my winter song, December never felt so wrong, 'cause you're not where you belong: inside my arms."

Mom and Alyssa started listening to Christmas music, and well, in essence it would do me good. I need hope in my life; the glistening of tinsel, the ringing of bells, the serenity of falling snow. All of those things warm my heart in ways no one really can. Sure, it helps to have someone hugging you from behind as you watch the first snow fall. I guess I am a romantic after all, a winter romantic. I find nothing romantic about sweating, having your shirt stick to your back, and bug bites covering your legs. Is it possible to be a seasonal romantic?



So that date I went on... he didn't even act like he liked me. A friend suggested it was like having lunch with a friend, but I hug my friends. He didn't even touch me, didn't try to open doors for me (then again I don't know if I really gave him a chance.) He said earlier on that he was okay with being "told what to do" and not "wearing the pants" so to speak.

I'm tired of wearing the pants. I would like to be vulnerable for once. I think only one guy has seen that (the one who wondered what I honored), and he wasn't even worthy of it, since he thinks he's done nothing wrong and I'm just "misunderstanding" him. He understood me in ways that no one else ever has. I need to find someone else that can do that; pick up on every non-verbal cue I unconsciously give, ask me questions - it was if he found the manual on how I worked and used it to his advantage. Spooky, really.

Perhaps this is why Christmas has fallen flat these past two years. I was alone. I couldn't share the spark the holidays bring with someone, so the spark faded. I want the spark.